2017 (A poem)

2017

January

For the first time

The new year doesn't feel

Suffocating.

I can close my eyes

And steady my breath

Without anxiety or fear.

I walked down K street this morning

Music playing in my earbuds,

Through my head

And I couldn't stop smiling.

I haven't had that feeling since I was in 3rd grade

They used to ask me

“Why do you always smile?”

Before I stopped

February

It shouldn’t be this hard.

It’s not my fault.

This was inevitable.

But it was not my fault.

Not a single one of you is innocent

It shouldn’t have become my fault.

March

Screw it all to hell.

Here’s to drinking

Here’s to forgetting

Here’s to throwing it all away

So thank you

For showing me your darkness

And bringing out the monster in me.

Thank you for ruining everything I’ve worked for

Thank you for sending me back to the place that almost killed me.

April

I am an emotional slut.

Show me I smile and I will open my heart.

Look at me with those deceiving eyes

And I will forget all the whispers and murmurs.

Well shame on me, for living blindly

And shame on you for lying and abusing me.

All is said and done,

And I’m still the one who apologized.

But god forbid, I expect more from you.

God forbid, I implode

when you spread your conquest until it stops benefitting you.

May

12 Years later, 120 Months, 624 Weeks.

Over 4,000 Days, and 23,000 Hours, and 6,000,000 Minutes.

And it’s over.

The adventures,

The bonfires,

The rallies,

The dances.

3 years given to an empty home

Blood, Sweat, and Tears given and unappreciated.

3 years and 7 months wasted

And 3 spent living life worrying only about laughing.

Summer

June and July,

Heat and Sun.

Sweat and binge watching.

Bland and boring

August

With my person,

Laughing and smiling

Sharing secrets and tears.

And the late night whispers you only tell your better half.

You kept me sane while my life fell to pieces.

Every crazy blonde, needs her crazy brunette.

And my cowboy.

Laughing, and smiling,

New adventures and New Experiences

Hiking and swinging in hammocks.

I took your hand then

And I’d take it again, and again.

Even if I had to wait four more years.

September

“Screw a comfort zone” said the Adventurer.

“But don’t be a freak” replied Anxiety.

“You’re finally okay, that darkness can’t reach you here” Says my Sanity

“Unless, it’s they’ve already made up their mind” Anxiety Chimed.

“You’ve got this! You just have to take leap of faith” Courage Echos

“It’ll be a shame when you fail” Anxiety whispers.

“There is a reason, everyone else left and you are stuck here”

“Hope they don’t forget you

“Now what are you going to do, without your audience”

“Look at how happy they’re living and how dull you live”

Everyday, it’s there in the back of my head.

Everyday, I acknowledge the it

Everyday, when I dissociate, I’m alone with its echo

And Everyday I grow stronger and stronger.

I can do this, alone or not.

I can do this, bruised and beaten

I will do this, with or without your support.

One step, and one day at a time.

October

Remember,

Remember when you needed that safety?

To wrap around you and hold you tight?

Remember when you needed something

To make all the dark moments fade into the past ?

Remember when I echoed the words

“I Don’t matter”, until my lips chapped?

Out of self pity,

I let the moments I keep to myself drain my heart and soul

Yet, out of naivety

I let the moments I keep to myself seep out

to the people who need not see my shattered heart.

October Pt.2

Weather or not I had been there

Weather or not I had known

That she was sick, or he was afraid

I know somewhere that the outcome was unavoidable.

But my heart breaks

Then heals

Then breaks

Knowing that I’ll never get that goodbye

I’ll never tell you,

That I’m sorry I quit trying,

That I lost touch.

I am so sorry you died.

November

Here I am again,

Fighting it

Running away

Crying alone

What am I fighting for?

December

What happened?

It all started out so good.

“For the first time the new year doesn't feel suffocating.”

Deja Vu.