Idealization (A Poem)

Idealization

I am not here to tell you that I’m okay

I am not here to tell you that I’m happy.

Because I am not.

I spent all of High school wishing I was elsewhere,

Yet now here I am wishing I was back there.

Back in a place that almost killed me.

Back in a place that killed every part of me.

Praying to a god I don’t even know if I believe in,

Praying that I would finally find somewhere,

That I would for once fit in.

And in the meantime, I’ll continue to drink it numb.

Funny,

Because I know I fantasize.

Make it all seem better than it was.

Make it look like it didn’t break me.

I idealize;

Idealize the depression.

Idealize the self harm, and the suicide attempt.

Idealize the boys who used me when I didn’t know better.

And the girls who took my secrets and used them to send me off a cliff ,

Or tell me that the world would be a better place if I just jumped over it myself.

I tell myself that “maybe there was a reason she was so cruel.”

I tell myself that “it was my fault for making a mistake in the first place.”

But there inlies the problem.

My mistake

Because a mistake is human,

A mistake is normal,

A mistake is mortal.

Because a mistake is just that. A mistake.

A step that anyone could take. In the wrong direction.

So here i am realizing

That even if I was back there, I would still be making the same mistakes

Because history repeats itself.

No matter how hard we try to stop it.

So here I am.